Another year, another season of Worst Cooks in America! This time, it’s undefeated champion Anne Burrell’s red team vs. Bobby Flay’s blue team. And once again, the 16 competitors were complete disasters – both in, and out, of the kitchen.
Meet Dorothy. She’s a make-up artist who boasted that she put her husband in the hospital two times. She didn’t mention it was due to retinal injuries sustained from prolonged eye exposure to her hair.
Then there’s Sarina, the single wedding photographer who sounds like she spends all her time freebasing helium.
And what about dear Melissa, the monotone woman who thought it would be a good idea to use her HAND as a blender lid.
Rounding out the contestant pool are Rachel and Bob… lovely people, who unfortunately look like cult members. Hey Rachel, Sally Jessy Raphael called. She wants her glasses back. And hey Bob: Conditioner is your friend. Squirt some into your hand. Just the SIZE OF A DIME.
The contestants cooked a dish from scratch for Anne and Bobby, and then the chefs picked their teams. In my opinion, Anne got the better team. Time will tell.
For the first challenge, the contestants replicated a breakfast dish of pancakes, bacon, and eggs as demonstrated by Anne and Bobby. For the most part, it was a disaster. People forgot ingredients, missed steps, and just fucked things up in general. Dorothy, in particular, had some serious issues and didn’t seem to like being corrected by Anne.
Of course it’s Anne’s way or the highway. You’re on Worst Cooks in America, honey. And might I say, hopefully Anne’s way will soon involve a box of L’oreal because that pink hair has got to go. Girl, you worth it.
In the end, Anne named Kelli the winner of the red team and Bobby named Tiffany (the professional poker player) the winner of the Blue team. Tiffany proclaimed: “For this moment I suck the least! That is a good place to be!” Ah yes. Clearly Tiffany is used to… uh… “sucking” the most.
Anne booted Richard, the annoying Asian guy who didn’t seem to take anything seriously. Bobby booted Libby, the annoying Sandra Lee-ish shop-at-home TV host who just couldn’t get her shit together.
And that brought this week’s episode to an end! Stay tuned next week, when the final 14 pull on their noodles. This is riveting television here, people. Jillian Madison, over and out.
Paula had a guest on her show this weekend (…surprise!). They made stuffed tomatoes. And Paula Deen said the word “OKEYDOKE” about 7 kajillion times. How ’bout some pics. Okeydoke?
Kids across America are studying hard for their SAT tests! Here are a few Food Network-related questions that reportedly might make their way onto the exam this year:
1) Ina Garten needs to drive from Sag Harbor to Southampton for some good vanilla, and plans on stopping for 4 hours to visit some of her gay friends. The distance between the 2 towns is 15 miles. She will take her Mercedes, which can only travel 15 miles per hour for the first 7 miles of the trip because Critical Mass is cycling through town and clogging up the roads. For the rest of the trip, her Mercedes can go 40 miles per hour. How long will the trip take?
2) Noah Starr asks Aida 12 questions. She knows the answer to one of them. What percentage of questions does Aida have to bullshit the answers to?
3) Hypothetically, say Sunny Anderson has 4 pounds of marijuana. If she sells 1 pound to Antonio for $1400 and 2 ounces to Sasha for $120 per ounce, what is the street value of the rest of her hold?
4) On this week’s episode of Money Saving Meals, Sandra Lee saved $.53 by purchasing a store brand. She then spent $153 on hair/make-up products, $260 on her wardrobe, and $824 on matching tchotchkes. And after dinner, everyone was still starving because her portions were tiny. Exactly how big of an idiot is Sandra Lee?
5) Anne Burrell needs 72 bottles of hairspray before filming. Each DuaneReade in NYC only has 4 bottles, and she only has time to go to 2 locations because it’s rush hour and there are assholes everywhere. Exactly how limp will her hair be?
6) As people looked on in horror, Guy Fieri ate 67 donuts at a neighborhood dive. There were only 4 donuts left for the rest of the patrons. What percentage of the dive’s donuts did Guy shove into his big fat mouth?
7) Aaron McCargo is taller than Duff Goldman. Ree Drummond is shorter than Duff Goldman, but she’s not the tallest Food Network host. Put these chefs in order according to their level of annoyingness.
8) On her official website, Paula Deen sells bedazzled eyeglasses for $25, pink Hey Y’all watches for $80, and pewter measuring cups for $170. If she sells 14 pairs of glasses and 6 ugly watches, how many more overpriced measuring cups must she sell in order to buy a $15,000 Russian mail order bride for her unmarried son Bobby?
9) Ina Garten has 582 items in her pantry. 426 of them are “good” items. What percentage of the ingredients are, in turn, total shit?
10) Food Network’s website has annoying pop-up ads. If you get 4 pop-ups per page, and you visit 3 pages each day for 2 days in a row, how many more days until you just say “screw it it” and start visiting Recipezaar instead? (*Bonus: It took you 14 pages to find the recipe you were looking for. How many pop-up ads did you get, and how slowly is your computer running?)
11) Charm City Cakes needs to build a 3′x5′x8′ replica of a car. If they need 1/2 pound of fondant per square foot, calculate which employee should build the cake so Duff can just keep sitting around doing nothing.
12) Rachael Ray has 63 recipes for stoup, 51 recipes for burgers, and 46 recipes for Grandpa’s “Sunday Gravy”. If she only has 151 total recipes, how many times will she have to say “yummo” or “delish” to make us forget that she has totally run out of ideas?
13) The Neely’s are making breakfast for four people. They need 8 eggs, 10 pieces of bread and 12 sausage links. How many times will Pat ask Gina to rub his meat while breakfast is being made? (Written by Orchidgal)
14) Sara went to Target and bought a Giada de Laurentiis can opener for $14, a Giada de Laurentiis ladle for $15, and a Giada de Laurentiis coffee maker for $60. How many more dollars does Sara have to spend on Giada’s products before being labeled clinically insane?
15) Melisa d’Arabian ran out of frozen bacon, and needs to go to the store to get some. If she drives 40 mph, and the store is 20 minutes away, is Debbie Lee still Korean?